


be like melting snow

by prvncess



Series: i think you missed a period or two or maybe some common sense [5]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Poetry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-14
Updated: 2019-05-28
Packaged: 2019-08-23 09:49:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 1,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16616660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prvncess/pseuds/prvncess
Summary: an anthology; 2018





	1. 1/4/18: you were a history textbook that blamed the civil war on the slaves

**Author's Note:**

> it gets bad before it gets better  
> AKA the first couple chapters are early works
> 
> I also own up to any problematic thinking and poems. They are there. I'm sorry. I'm a work in progress.
> 
> all poems and media are mine. all rights reserved. please ask before using.

The Big Picture  
i'm crouching in the wind  
one hand over my lips  
and one finger pointing  
to the hole in my chest

(see how the wind  
runs right through me)

a deleted scene  
i'm standing on rocks  
screaming, "choke on my poetry--  
ASSHOLE--  
your memory has no rhetoric!"

because if i'm just  
an image in the  
back of your mind  
you won't ever know  
the kind of damage  
you left behind

so don't you dare  
blame me  
asshole

\--because you liked polaroids more than the thousand-word essays i wrote you that you never read


	2. 3/11/18: i fell out of love with you only to become a stranger to myself

at the end of the day,  
i am brutally bared.  
a catalog of greasy hair,  
and menstrual blood, and  
withering skin and   
upon them lays the  
mark of decay.   
i am aches heaving up across  
every rib to vice around my heart.   
it has been months  
since this body has felt the trauma  
and still it forgets how to move.  
crumbling.  
fuck. there is no hiding here.   
i do not know how to walk. 

 

i did, once.  
how do i breathe?

 

and stepping into a new body--  
a new soul--  
sheds the old lining, silvered.


	3. 3/19/18: uprooted

my walls are bare because   
why bother when i'm just going to leave again? 

i left my hometown and now  
the world is open before me--  
there's nowhere i can't go  
(i can't go back)   
and i don't clean my room anymore  
because i'm never there long enough  
so now when i sleep in a bed  
full of the week's things  
i am just a part of the leftovers  
(i'm running out of space)  
cause i've been building my future  
from the ground up   
and now i'm looking down  
and i can't see the ground, can't see  
the city i came from, can't see  
the roads behind me  
all i can see is the sun   
and the stars   
and i think "damn,   
i wish i knew astronomy."


	4. 3/20/18: it's been 53 days and time just started moving again and everything has changed

i look around  
and nothing is  
familiar anymore.  
where am i?  
how did i get here?  
how did it come to this?

(or, you are a dream  
that i don't remember  
waking up from)


	5. 3/20/18: 53 days

53 days.   
it's been 53 days since   
you let me walk away   
and i don't remember  
what we used to talk about  
but i still feel  
your hand holding mine  
and the feel of your face  
resting against my chest

and it's only 53 days   
but it feels like i said  
it's been 53 years   
because this time  
has felt like a lifetime  
of getting over you 

and it's been 53 days  
so i'm no longer  
constantly sad   
or breaking down into  
tears when i see you  
because now i'm angry  
that i let you   
treat me this way

but i still feel it  
the sadness  
in the quiet

and it's been 53 days  
and the number makes it so real   
this was the worst decision i made  
to count out the days  
because that's 53 days where you've been fine  
and i've been stuck in time 

53 days  
what even is that  
against the span of my life

maybe that's why  
i still want you back


	6. 4/5/18: musings

i know where all of these roads lead  
and i know the obstacle in front of me  
it's that the world moved so fast  
that i began to doubt my memory

and there is no absolution in resolution  
there is no peace in the end of things  
just fractures and broken bones  
from wounds that were never set right

i blinked and nothing was the same  
and all i can see is the future  
and it's bearing down on me

i didn't realize i had started running  
now there's nowhere i can go  
i'm just a girl waiting for her home

and i think this whole thing with ------  
is that he showed me what i was missing  
and what i was running from  
and then he left as quick as he came  
as i knew he would  
and i expected to learn from him  
but he left me with this ugly truth about myself  
that i'm running through ruin   
and my legs are broken


	7. 8/9/18: be like melting snow

Long Ago

Gibril cracked Muhammad's chest,  
reached his hand in and  
washed his heart with nur golden

*

2018

i dig my fingers into   
the spaces between my ribs  
i burrow my teeth into my tongue   
to smother the wreckage in my breath  
and i pry the bones apart  
on the exhale   
as the light pours freed

and i pray, "here  
i have found my light  
now please be golden  
everywhere I was dark."

and i pray, "here  
i have found my nur  
now please wash myself  
of myself."

*

and i pray, "here  
i have found my faith  
now please let me walk  
as if i never had to   
crack myself at all."

pure. 

 

so basically Gibril cleaning Muhammad's heart is him taking out the devil's influence and leaving him with a pure heart. How that applies to me is that  
when I accept faith, i am cleaning myself of my ugly sins, letting go of the "devil's influences", and giving myself to God which is me lettng go of my anger  
and my desires to snap back or despair in stead of having faith in Him and His Love and being kind to those around me as if i have never been given a reason  
to be wary of them. basically going back to a pure state of mind where i don't let the things that have hurt me in the past form an armor around me   
and instead i am open and free and warm because i believe in Him and that's all I need.


	8. 12/16/18: there's a stone in my chest

my heart is calcified  
bones brittled  
from the scabs that stopped healing  
and the scars pushed so deep  
that even my heartbeat fractured

and eventually even the blood  
only came in spurts   
and my heart was emptied  
and dried, and tired

and yet, i still threw it  
through your window, ablaze,  
like a Molotov cocktail.   
a desperate plea  
for you to look  
at the damage you caused  
and 

i hope  
it burns you down  
like you burned me out


End file.
